“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
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Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
🤣🤣🤣
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
HELP 😭
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.