My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
plant them where lol
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry