Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
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HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
🤝
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.