Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
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A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“HELP WITH CAT”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete