Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
You Might Also Like
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.