“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
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I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)