“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!