“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
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Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri