Nothing to do, you say?
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looks legit
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
what kind of cook setting is this??
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”