nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
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Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
man i love columbo
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me