nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
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*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No