Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”