Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
it takes so much energy
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.