Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

At Walmart during the holidays like..

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”