Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
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[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.