Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
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It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
accurate
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.