Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
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My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
“How’s your day going?”
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
#DesignFail
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.