Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
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How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice