Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line