nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
God has left this place
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Voodoo map
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?