nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.