“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Air conditioning – not a fan
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
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