“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run