“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
