“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.