Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
You Might Also Like
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole