Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
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My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..