Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
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dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
We’ve all been there
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”