Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
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Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*