Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.