@KevinHart4real

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

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@SteveSuckington

ME: will it hurt?

DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?

ME: omg no!

DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering

@arcadeseals

[watching the lion king]

me: i’ve never seen this before

wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready

me: i hardly think i’m going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen

@ChicksRule

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

@pienar

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

@TheSwanDon

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

@blaudiablogan

Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.