@KevinHart4real: Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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@AnitaHelmet: Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant? Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
@JessicaVarsity: I've watched three episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" tonight, adding "outdoor enthusiast and survival expert" to my online dating profile.
@BellesJar: Everybody thinks Australians are laid back until one of us is standing over you with a chainsaw asking you to pronounce Aluminium correctly.
@CulturedRuffian: When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.