ME: will it hurt?
DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?
ME: omg no!
DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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[watching the lion king]
me: i’ve never seen this before
wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready
me: i hardly think i’m going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen
[Bedroom at midnight]
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Treat me like a semicolon and use me in all the wrong ways.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The French word for sex is croissant.