Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

🤣🤣🤣

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.