Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.