Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

There’s always that one guy

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

i actually laughed 😩

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store