Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
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Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.