Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.