Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.