Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no