Nothing.
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The cashier just checked me out.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Sunday
Me trying to reach for my goals
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married