Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
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*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Alexa turn off the planet
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Lmao 😁
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
