Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse