Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
You Might Also Like
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.