Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.