Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
You Might Also Like
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Legend 🤣🤣
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
This is not me but this is me
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”