Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?