Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
LOL
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
In Canada they just call them geese
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!