Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.