As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read
Guy 2: Got it
Woman: So what-
Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?
As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.
Good cop: license and registration please
Perp: I’m sorry was I speeding
Dad Cop: hi sorry was I speeding, I’m dad.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Today on Facebook:
1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.