@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

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@skedaddle74

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

@jonnysun

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

@WilliamAder

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

@PoodleSnarf

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

@Mr_Kapowski

Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it

[date]

Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?

@underchilde

As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.

@SteveSuckington

Good cop: license and registration please

Perp: I’m sorry was I speeding

Dad Cop: hi sorry was I speeding, I’m dad.

@CornOnTheGoblin

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

@ohpeetie

Today on Facebook:

1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes

@RunOldMan

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.