Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does