Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

when mom throws a party…

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit