Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*