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The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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