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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
dril cadence
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.