Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

My Sentiments Exactly

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

me when I see my crush

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

saving face 👀

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow