Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.