Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

I wish all tests were things you peed on

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.