NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
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I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
*watches the world burn*
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.