Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Hello, my name is Pierre.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Go girl power!