NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”