Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
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Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
going to the ER y’all need anything
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
my mind
You just read my mind
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job