Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
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If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
in the ocean
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”