Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”