Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
some things should go without saying
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
When someone says you are so lazy
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.