Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
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If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Mountain Goat : )
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.