Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

i baked you a cake

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?