Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

This sounds bad:

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.