Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

an octopus is just a wet spider

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.