Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

this is what they would have looked like, though

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Somebody needs to get my shit together.