Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

Happy Taco Tuesday

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.