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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.