Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

But that’s none of my business

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy