Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Stop.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

got so much cardio in today