[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail