Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

checking out some reviews of my local library

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.