[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
You Might Also Like
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”