Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit